KEY #14: That time we got it wrong
What's wrong with this family?
On Wednesday we talked about The Key: the idea that people can change their minds if they feel they haven't changed their identity while doing it.
Today let's think about a time when liberals got this wrong and hurt themselves by doing it. It's worth a look back.
• That time we attacked someone for agreeing with us
In 2013, Republican Sen. Rob Portman announced his support for same-sex marriage, explaining that his son is gay. He wrote at the time: "That isn’t how I’ve always felt. As a congressman, and more recently as a senator, I opposed marriage for same-sex couples. Then something happened that led me to think through my position in a much deeper way."
Portman did exactly what we talked about this week. He is a Christian conservative who had always believed one thing, but he's also a father and he changed his mind because of his love for his own son. He was struggling with two identities. In the end, his opinion could change because he still felt he was the same person inside.
A lot of liberals jumped on Portman for couching his change of heart this way.
— "While enlightenment is good, wouldn’t it have been a lot more praiseworthy if he had shown some flexibility on the issue before he knew that his own family would benefit?" wrote Paul Krugman.
— "Hero Sen. Rob Portman courageously endorses equal rights for his family members," said Wonkette.
— "Bullshit! There's absolutely no genuine empathy there, at least not for the other approximately 11,699,999 LGBT in the United States," wrote a blogger on Daily Kos.
Where did this derision come from? Identity!
It came from the writers' own identity as liberals. See, we were right all along! And for the right reasons! We're the good guys! The people who come late to the party are losers! They should acknowledge our rightness! Yay, our identity, boo, their identity!
Maybe from these quotes you can begin to see the problem. Liberals made this a war between "their" identity and "our" identity instead of taking the opportunity to move the dialogue in our direction. And when people's identity is under attack, as we know from the backfire effect, they dig in and fight back. (See The Key #11 from last Monday.)
From Rob Portman and Dick Cheney in 2013 until recently, I can't think of any nationally recognized Republicans who dared to come out for same-sex marriage. Many still dream of reversing it somehow. I think liberals made that happen.
If we go back to the question at the top of this article, "What's wrong with this family," the answer is: nothing. Nothing is wrong with that family. For liberals to attack them was the dumbest thing they could have done. They should have said, that's a beautiful, loving family. Let's work together with the Portmans to make sure more parents reach out to their own children with the same love and understanding.
Showing closed-mindedness has a bigger effect — it's a signal to everyone who sees you that the door is not open. That opening their own minds will only get them screamed at by both sides.
Takeaway: Don’t attack people who are changing.
Don't create a free-fire zone in the center. Don't create disincentives for people on the other side to change their thinking. Do create a space for people on the right to move to the middle.
Takeaway Toteboard
- KEY #1: Republicans are from Mars, Democrats are from Swarthmore. (Feb. 23):
• Democrats run an intellectual campaign to voters who are emotional creatures.
• Instead of running an intellectual campaign, we need to use our intellect to create an emotional campaign.
- KEY #2: What does the Democrats’ hat say? (Feb. 26)
• The Republicans’ philosophy fits on a hat. Democrats don’t have one.
- KEY #3: Love isn’t rational. (Feb 28):
• Politics is emotion.
• If you find yourself trying to argue intellectually, stop! Find the emotional argument.
- KEY #4: You’re an animal! (March 1):
• Our attitudes come from our identity.
• You are speaking to the voter's animal brain.
- KEY #5: Don’t take away my _____! (March 4):
• Don't get into a fight with people's way of life.
• When you talk about change, find the “win.”
- KEY #6: You are this boy and life is this marshmallow. (March 6):
• Find ways to affirm people's way of life.
• Don’t just campaign; build community.
- KEY #7: Motivated reasoning (aka “Remember this friggin guy?”) (March 8):
• People believe what they need to believe.
- KEY #8: How your head keeps from exploding (March 11):
• People experiencing cognitive dissonance want an alternative narrative to make it better.
• Do not engage with your opponent’s alternative narrative.
- KEY #9: Lalalalalalalala, I'm not listening! (March 13):
• People don't hear information that conflicts with their opinions.
• Misinformation stays in people's heads. (And trying to correct it doesn't work well.)
• Don't respond to attacks by repeating the same attacks in your own language.
- KEY #10: Maybe there’s hope for people (March 15):
• Get out ahead of charges with your own framing.
• Correct misinformation fast.
• Let people know when they're about to hear something untrue.
• Undermine the source.
• Reframe, don’t repeat.
- KEY #11: The first rule of debate club is … (March 18):
• Arguing with people doesn't change their minds.
- KEY #12: Today’s the day we talk about The Key (March 20):
• Make people feel non-threatened by your approach.
• People can change their minds if they can keep their own identity.
- KEY #13: If you steal one idea from me this year, let it be ... (March 22):
• Start by affirming the other person’s identity.
• Create an identity-consistent "path" that leads the voter in the direction you want.
• Create an "offramp" for uncomfortable Republicans.
• The campaign is inside their heads, not yours.
• Use your intelligence not to make an intellectual argument but to make a psychological argument.
- KEY #14: That time we got it wrong (March 25):
• Don’t attack people who are changing.